Darlene Larson on 25 Years of Covert Abuse and the Way Out | COMPASS in the Storm Ep 6

Full Transcript

Transcribed from the episode audio. Names, places, scripture references and medical terms have been corrected, and caption noise has been removed. Speaker names are not marked, because the source captions marked only that the speaker changed and not who was talking. Paragraph breaks follow those speaker changes.

And that’s what abusers do is they cause you to start fearing making decisions, stepping out because they don’t want you to. They want to keep you trapped because they can control you. I did not understand it was emotional abuse. The next abuse coming, well, it’s physical because abuse grows. I had already prayed that God just take my life cuz of pain. Beaten by words that eroded her self-worth and caused horrible emotional pain. My guest today suffered a life of daily abuse. But God miraculously healed her decimated heart and now she helps other abuse victims, teaching them how to recycle their pain into purpose. Stay tuned. Hi, I’m Lana Bach, your host on COMPASS in the Storm, where we feature real life stories of people who have survived the toughest season of their lives, God’s Way. My guest today is an author, speaker, teacher, certified life coach, and is the founder of Hearts with a Purpose, where she coaches women around the world on how to recycle their pain into purpose. I want to welcome my friend and special guest today, Darlene Larson. Thank you, Darlene, for being here today.

Lana, thank you so much. It’s an honor and it’s a great joy to be here. Thank you.

Awesome. And if you remember, Darlene, I first met you at my very first conference for Creat Creatives. It was the Well, okay. And I remember we sat down. You had those appointments and I had a short brief appointment with you and you listened to my heart as I expressed my desire to know God’s direction for my life. And I remember I had no idea where God was taking me. and I especially did not think he would ask me to be a podcast host, but I am so thrilled to be sitting with you again. you affected my life. Even the short brief time that I was talking with you in that appointment did affect my life. And so, I want to thank you and here we are sharing the goodness of God in our lives. But today,

our listeners want to hear your story, Darlene. And so, I want to quote some words that I read that you spoke. I think it was out of your book. It might have been out of the forward or something that I read this. It says, “You said, “Before I married, I was led to believe that my marriage would be teamwork full of God’s love to glorify him. Instead, my self-worth was whittleled down daily through power, control, and covert abuse.” and you suffered over 25 years of verbal and emotional abuse to the point where it almost cost you your life. So, Darlene, would you please share your journey of experiences and challenges that you faced during that difficult season in your life?

I’ll be glad to and I thank you again. It’s a joy to be here. yes, I was led to believe that I was marrying a dear believer of a husband and as time went on into the marriage. I remember on year 10 looking out the window and thought who is he now? because of other stories in my life, my children came along a little longer in life because I’m years of infertility. So, as I journeyed, the best way I could have described it at that time is it was like us in foreign territory. I’d never experienced a relationship where I was ignored. And what did that look like in a marriage? It’s looked like you not called by my name. When I walked in the door, I was not greeted. Now, the children may children definitely were, but I was not. And I just thought, what is this? so I was ignored. That was the number one weapon. Extremely painful. And to try to have a conversation in a marriage. I was set up to believe something that was did not happen. So then I was criticized and I was blamed. Those were the three weapons used on me. Now I never had a black eye, but my heart was slaughtered. I described it as it was diced like mince meat. I remember times where I rubbed my heart because it hurt so bad physically. And it was year 22 that God put a book in front of me and I read the definition and it was like oh my goodness. And a lot of my journey I am a self-taught teacher. I mean, I’m a teacher by God’s gifting and education, but I studied. I’m a woman of the word. And so, I went deep with God and grew deep roots and kept asking questions to God of where I could change. What was this? Why couldn’t I please? And the way it happens in covert abuses, it’s you’re isolated and it’s all about you. You believe you are the one only you that has the issues. cuz I was the target. But every time I a goal was set up for me to attain by him, I would hit the bullseye, but immediately it’s moved. So the bullseye was always moved and so I never hit it.

And but it was a beautiful thing in the sense what God showed me about myself, Lon, is that I was addicted to achieving and an affirmation at it. And what that looked like is I was used to hitting goals and achieving. I had to work hard in high school, college. so it wasn’t like everything came easy,

but what I set my mind to, I made goal and a plan. And so this was where God showed me my motives. He showed me about me, how I reacted and had to learn to respond and confront. If I would not have stayed in the word of God, Lana, I wouldn’t have made it out. I wouldn’t have and experts have told me, medical experts have told me that and also that I’ve chose to physically exercise all those years that I would have been a shell if I would have made it

and I was almost there. I was almost there. So because of God, his word and the Holy Spirit before I started getting help, that’s what sustained me.

Absolutely. Absolutely. And I’m just so sorry you had to go through that, Darlene. and yet I know there’s so much purpose that came out of it. But I’m thinking about maybe somebody who might be listening or watching this podcast and maybe might want to ask you know, what made it hard to cuz you endured it for 25 years and I know maybe your answer to this can help somebody else, but what made it difficult to leave that abuse? Was there a pivoting event that changed your mindset and made you take that action? how did how did you handle that? Like did you was it the guilt from other people? You know, what made it hard to get out?

My three ch my three children for one.

with covert abuse. It’s so entangled and it’s wrapped around you. And the weapons he used to build it was a brick tower. Think of think of a Rapunzel’s tower with bricks and going up up up. It was built of made with fear. And that’s what abusers do is they cause you to start fearing making decisions, stepping out because they don’t want you to. They want to keep you trapped because they can control you. It’s it’s extremely manipulative mind mind control. And so it was number one I guess you could say let me go back is that I’m a responsible committed believing woman and I believed in a vow in a marriage. I did not understand it was emotional abuse and I watched it grow but also because of years of infertility. My children came along through adoption and I was not going to walk out on my children. I

they’re my children. God allowed me to be a mom and I wasn’t going to leave them. And that was you know once I understood what I lived in and got help and counseling I stepped as fast as I could to keep growing and to learn how to step out of the traps that abusive people set for people. Well, it’s men and women, so I don’t want to just say that, but mine was definitely covert. And the marriage ended 27 years.

Wow. Wow. Darlene, I know I remember in your book you said you felt trapped in the abuse. And I’m sure that’s probably a common theme. and I and I remember the term you used that your heart felt like it had been slaughtered. And I thought, wow, that is a powerful term. And and yet God turned that horrific experience of abuse into such great purpose. And you know now you help other women transform their pain into purpose. And and you mentioned something about you would never have been able to survive without the word. And I that was one thing I was going to ask you is what is the one thing that you would call your compass in that storm? the one thing that helped you navigate through that pain to where you are today and helping other abuse victims.

I stayed in the word

the word

that I stayed in it. there were many times I wanted to turn my back on God and said, “You don’t hear me. You’re not doing anything.” The pain was so bad. And because of a prayer I prayed before I ever married Lana, I had prayed a prayer in a Sunday school classroom with just women, a Daniel prayer, Daniel 1:8, that I purposed ahead that I’d stay true to God and his word no matter what storms ripped through my life.

Absolutely.

And when I finished praying that, I lifted my head and thought, what could go so wrong in women’s life that they’d walk away from God? Now I was in my early 20s, new relationship with Jesus, single and I truly thought what could go so wrong. I came from a very safe, loving farm community and wonderful family and parents. So what I lived and what I experienced was something totally foreign and it got worse as the children aged. And so I saw the dynamics of all of that.

Yeah. And I know you asked me what caused the turning point or the pivot. It was when I lost my father and youngest brother within three years and both died of heart attacks

and especially my brother. My father went shockingly we didn’t expect him to go first and then we thought it’d be our mom and then within less than three years I lost my youngest brother identical death. my brother died within a mile from my father at the end of their workday. Both were physical laborers. it was like junior followed senior to Fort Cemetery. And when my brother died and he was only 40, that was supposed to have been me in the casket because I had already prayed that God just take my life because the pain I at that time I did not know yet it was abuse. Did not know yet. It was the next year. so my brother’s death caused the pivot. The pivot was this. As I leaned into my brother’s casket, I said to God, “I’m so tired of pain. So, let’s grieve my brother’s death all out. And if there can be any good that you could use with his early death, may it begin with me.”

Yes.

And then I stopped about six to seven weeks after that. I had grown so far and so deep with God that it was like, “Okay, obviously obviously you still want me here.

So, I’m going to stop whining and I’m going to bank my life on your word.” And Revelation 4:11 states that you give me breath. You will me to live.

Well, when both of my loved ones died from instant heart attacks, no warnings, it was like, “Okay, no more of the enemy taking this.” I solidified that you have a purpose for me, Lord, based on Revelations 4

11 and 12. And I just started shifting and continued seeking and knew my life purpose by the end of that year.

Wow. Wow. Isn’t it amazing how God, he just knows what he needs to show you or give you in your life so you will take that step. And you know, Darlene, I’m certain that there’s someone listening today who’s probably in the same place of abuse that you were in, and they may be saying, “There’s no way out for me.”

What message would you share with anyone listening or watching this podcast who is suffering abuse in their life, whether it be verbal, emotional, or physical abuse? What advice would you give them? What do you want to speak to them?

Sure. physical get out. Get out. Get build a sa safety team around you. Physical abuse get out. I was prepared to walk out. I had a safety team of people around me. They knew. But I had a very confidential safety team. Anyone in abuse, don’t mess if you don’t understand abuse. Don’t mess with people in abuse. it was very important. My story was very delicate to walk out. and I had a team around me of confident people that I could trust. They knew what was going on in the home and abuse grows. So I would say to the f if you’re physically being abused, get out, get help, get into counseling and get it. Build a safety team. Emotionally, mentally, get help, get counseling. Be wise who you tell and get into counseling, get help, reach out to me. Be glad to listen to you for a few minutes with coaching. and then we can either talk about coaching or getting you into a good counselor. Let me say something about counseling, Lana. Make certain you get a counselor that understands mental and emotional and narcissistic abuse. Not every counselor understands abuse at all. Matter of fact, I went to my very first one and she said, “Darlene, he’ll never come here. You need a man.” And then I said, “Who’s going to who’s going to who’s going to help with this loaded this loaded mess?” She said, “I have two,

and we’re talking a very large city. She said, “Two that will see through the cracks,” and she nailed them. one spent years with me, and then another well-known leader spent years with me as well, walking it out.

Good advice. It’s such good advice. And And so, some of our listeners may feel that God has forgotten them in their storm. And and so that advice, you know, will hopefully prompt them to, you know, maybe make make the next step. And so as we as we talk about how God uses our pain, and how even our every experience that we go through, he can use it to strengthen and shape us for the destiny which you are in your destiny. I believe that darling that you in your testimony that destiny that he has planned for you and I believe only God can do that prepare us just like when Joseph you know he could look he could look his brothers in the eye and say to them hey look

you meant it for evil God meant it for good and so may those who are in that abuse situation be able to look back at that person who abuses them or abused them and say hey God’s God’s using this for his good So, but so Darlene, I know you walk this path of struggle and you emerged, you know, victorious and now you’re a life you’ve got a life coaching program to help abuse victims to transform their pain into purpose. So, could you share a little bit about the program with our listeners? Oh,

absolutely. Thank you. Now, you know, Lana, I am a grief loss coach and a life purpose coach as well as a life coach. But I had prayed for years why was why was I alive and what was my purpose? And when coaching first came out, which will be my 18th year next year or coming up 18th year and it was a lifep purpose coach training when I read a book and it was like right after my brother died and it was like oh my goodness now I get it. Now I get why I’ve gone through so much. My story is pretty heavy long and hard with a lot of stories of and a lot of people’s are. So, but I went and got my lifep purpose coach certification and training and I knew my next one was grief loss that I needed to get my grief loss coach training. And so what I do is I have my probably 50some PDFs of coaching material and books I’ve written of how to take a woman where she’s right at. And the key with coaching though, Lana, is coaching is asking a woman her story, her question. See, I prayed for years for some woman that could handle a wise woman that could handle a very heavy, hard, messy story. Now, I didn’t know what I was in yet, but I wanted someone so desperately to sit with me and help me connect the dots of my story. Teaching background, loved teaching women, Bible studies. It’s like but what is this big what is this and the what was leverage of pain in my story and so what I do is I help women through asking them all the questions for them to become aware because a lot of women don’t say what they really want in life

right

they fake it and numb it and just drift through life and yet when you’re a woman of God’s got a call he’s got a call in everybody’s life but it’s a choice and women of faith take a step. There are areas that God wants you to let go of. And so I take a woman right where she’s at. And usually there’s a pain point is strange relationships. Could be abuse. Could be women just hungry to know what God wants for him. Take that from that pain point over to purpose. What is your life purpose? Why are you alive? Why is he giving you second and third chances? You know, cancer survivors. I’ve coached women who have started horse ministries. Women that oh counselors, doctors, homeschooling moms that have all wanted more to go where, what is it? I want clarity. I want adventure. I want passion than just this

and help me get there and then help me keep going. So, it’s really grief loss to life purpose

is where I coach women at. And so you know women can go to my website they can sign up for 20 minutes complimentary coaching or I have package I have one package that I ask that I work with women and usually it’s three months and some women stay with me for years Lana and then I have it set up on monthly program.

Excellent. And that’s that’s the heartswithapurpose.com correct.

Correct. or darlenelarson.com. They can go to either one and they’re going to get the same website, darlenelarson.com and hearts with a purpose and hearts with a purpose is because every one of us has a unique life purpose. And Lana, let me just tap on that uniqueness. So, you’re an author. I’m an author.

But but it’s still unique because our voices are unique and the people group even though ours are a little bit similar, they’re not. And that God is leveraging. And it’s really important for women and men to drill down to their uniqueness cuz that’s the only thing that’s going to keep you going is finding that uniqueness. And it’s not going broad, it’s going deeper into the people group God’s calling you to offer hope to.

Absolutely. Absolutely. I agree. Absolutely. And and I’ll be sure to put those links in our in our podcast. And also I didn’t know if you would like to share about your your book series and where maybe our listeners can purchase those. The Enable Me Lord to Shift.

Yes that series and my fifth one I hope to have out by the beginning of next year.

Great.

And the reason the way I wrote the Enable Me Lord to Shift books and they are up there on the top of the shelf. But those are truly how I stayed alive. See, I asked I would ask God a question and then I would go find the verse and then I believed the verse. I applied the verse. But over the years, little did I realize is God was preparing me. So I’d write the books to help other women. And so I broke them down into our domains because we do life out of seven domains. Every day women are dealing with their thoughts, their finances, their career, their life purpose, relationships. How about physical? Taking care of our bodies, our emotions. So what I did is I divided up into domains. So the first one spiritual is yes you do have a life purpose and how do you even begin a relationship with God. Blue is our thought life. How do you shift your thoughts from being sad and sour to joy and thankful? Brown is the feelings emotional. you so many women get stuck there. And I put that book brown on purpose because of most women run to chocolate and how God and I had dark chocolate today. So, yeah. So, but the feelings trip us up and they’ll stop us. And how do you shift from those feelings dictating your life to really the your fate? And then pink is relationships, life, purpose, career, calling is my next book. It will be purple. I hope to have that out in February.

Excellent.

And then there’ll be two more series or two more books. That’s a seven series book. And the thing about that is women’s stories mine very short 31 day but it’s coaching questions. See I believe see coaching is again I can teach all day but see coaching is when your woman looks at it reads it and answers the questions and recognizes I want more. I want what God’s got.

Right. Right.

So that’s what the Enable Me Lord to Shift series are coaching curriculum for women.

Okay. And that’s also available on the darlenelarson.com. So it is and they can also find them on Amazon.

Yeah, I was going to say also on Amazon, right? And I know also for those event planners that might be watching Darlene does speak at conferences, retreats, I mean you name it. I’m sure she speaks there. So you can also I’m sure darling they can go to your darlenelarson.com for that as well. And that will make sure again that the link is there on our podcast. And and Darlene, your testimony of God bringing purpose in your pain certainly encourages others to press through their stormy situation and seek God’s purpose in their life. And I want to thank you for being my guest today and for being so real with us. And may the Lord bless you as you continue to help others learn to turn their pain into purpose. Darlene, thank you so much.

Thank you, Lana. It’s been a joy and an honor and God bless you with what you’re doing.

Thank you. Thank you, friends. I feel some listening today think that God has forgotten them. You feel like no one cares or even notices that you’re suffering. I’m here to tell you that God does see you and God does hear your cries. He is actually drawn to those who call on him in distress. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” So, I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that God definitely sees you and he is a refuge in times of trouble. If you will pursue him, if you will spend time talking with him, if you’ll take time to read his love letter to you, the Bible, he will guide your life, and he’ll bring you into the destiny he has created just for you. He sees you. He knows you. And he loves you. Friend, I want to leave you with my favorite Bible verse in Jeremiah 29:11. You’ll probably hear me repeat this many times. For I know the plans that I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. So press through this hard season of darkness in your life, friend. God will help you. He is with you and he has a purpose for your life. Thank you for listening today. I hope you receive something from this podcast that will help you. And please mark your calendars for the first Tuesday of next month when my next guest, Rachel Britain, joins me on COMPASS in the Storm. Rachel will share her story of choosing faith over fear. when two words she cried out to the Lord changed her life forever. The two words. Join me then and find out. God bless you, friend. And remember, stay the course.