Why Friendships Change After Loss | Lana Bach, COMPASS in the Storm

Full Transcript

Transcribed from the episode audio. Names, places and scripture references have been corrected, and caption noise has been removed.

You’ve all heard the old adage, friends are friends forever. But reality is most friendships in our life are seasonal. But they are still valuable in helping you achieve the destiny God has for your life. Friendships can change as quickly as our seasons in our life change. But friendship is also one of the most cherished aspects of life.

I’m sure you can think back to a high school friend who you thought would be a friend forever, even attend college together, and then you graduated from high school, and it didn’t quite work out the way you had planned. Maybe you had a college roommate who became your best friend, and you did everything together. She studied with you, she vacationed with you, and even doubled with you. You both vowed loyalty to each other as your best friends until she pursued your boyfriend in fourth semester. I’m not sure the trust factor can ever be regained in that relationship.

Even later in life, some had that close family friend who came over for coffee at least once a week. You laughed and cried together through the years as you watched your kids grow up together. Sadly, she and her husband had to move to a different state for his job, but she continued to call you weekly and well maybe eventually became monthly. Well, then just at the holidays. Now you just plain lost touch.

In our world of social media today, it would seem that friendships would be even easier to establish. It’s true we may have thousands of friends on Facebook and even chat with hundreds on Instagram and yet we only have a meaningful relationship with just a few. Valuable friendships take time and effort. Today’s social media is only an illusion of true friendship. This is evident by the very meaning of friendship which is a voluntary mutual support bond built on trust, honesty, affection and respect.

Two people who enjoy each other’s company, share experiences, offer emotional support and foster personal growth for both parties. It’s a reciprocal relationship where people feel accepted, understood, and most importantly, valued. How many people do you have in your life like this besides your mother and spouse? When we do have a meaningful friendship that suddenly or even gradually changes, there can be a number of reasons why it happened. And some reasons are more painful than others.

The wounds of a broken friendship can cause us to withdraw and become distrustful of people that can result in the lack of pursuing meaningful relationships primarily because we don’t want to be hurt again. But meaningful friendships are crucial for our well-being. If we can understand the hidden value of friendship and the reason changes evolve in friendships, it will help us navigate through those relationships with less pain, less confusion, and reduced feelings of rejection because we recognize how seasonal friends can prepare us for the destiny God has for our life. It was a rude awakening for me when I personally experienced a drastic change in my friendships when my husband passed away. I discovered it was true that 60 to 70% of your friendships tend to change once you become a widow.

I’m a certified grief educator, so I’m aware that there are very good explanations for these changes, but it didn’t make it any less painful. Sadly, I learned that even the deepest friendships can also change in life. Sometimes our attempts to save a meaningful friendship is futile and results in even more frustration when our expectation of reconciliation is not mutually met. Had I learned how to navigate the delicate art of friendship changes, it might have saved me some heartache. That’s why I’m talking to you about friendships.

Do you still carry pain from a stubborn friendship you valued? Are you keeping your distance from others because you fear being hurt again? It’s okay to be selective in your friendships. In fact, you should. A strong friendship is built on mutual trust, honesty, and respect.

Breeding good friends takes a lot of work, but we must do our part to create and maintain meaningful friendships. We must also realize that deep friendships may or may not be lifelong because life happens. Knowing this is a part of life will help us navigate through those difficult shifts in our friendships. Friendship is a powerful force. Good friends support you, encourage you.

They have no problem helping you to be the best you and celebrating your godgiven destiny. On the other hand, bad friends can lead you astray and cause you harm. Their actions can create pain and suffering in your life. You may find that some friends actually cannot handle your successes. Is that someone who truly values you?

There’s a Bible verse that comes to my mind about friendships in Proverbs 18. It says, “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin.” How true. Each season of our life, we may gain new friends as well as shed old ones. I like the comparison of friendships to leaves on a tree.

Some of them are beautiful, but they only exist for a specific season in your life. This can be frustrating at times, and it can take up a lot of your emotional reserve trying to figure out what just happened. So when you experience difficult friendship changes, I encourage you to consider that they were in your life for a specific season and purpose. When you enter a new season in your life, there will be new leaves, new people who will come into your life. People who will be there in your new season just as you will be in the life of someone else for their season.

You’ll encounter new people of which some will be great cheerleaders and an incredible source of support. Again, we are rarely blessed with very many of these kind of friends. When they are there, cherish and appreciate them. Cultivate and maintain those kinds of friendships with visits, calls, cards, lunch trips, and whatever you can on a regular basis. Friends can shape your life and help prepare you for your destiny.

I think that even irritating friends can be beneficial, like teaching patience and forgiveness. I’m certain you can relate to the feeling of hurt and disappointment when you shared something confidential about your life with someone you totally trusted and they recklessly repeated it. It’s devastating. However, it’s crucial to let go of that hurt and learn from that experience in order to move forward in life. Letting go and forgiving is definitely a process and it takes time and practice.

So, while that friendship didn’t turn out as you had hoped, it may still have been beneficial in the end. Regardless of what season of life you’re in, life-changing or not, we can be grateful for each friend who is part of our life during each season. Ideally, both people should benefit from the time and experiences shared together in friendship. I want to leave you with a story that I wrote for a friend and her family who I love and appreciate to this day. She and her family walked with me through the death of my dear husband and during the difficult months that followed.

This story is a thank you, but also an explanation of what happens in the life of a widow. or it could even be the story of what happens in a season of life that changes. So, I wrote this story in the midst of our shifting friendship as a way of saying thank you to her and her family. Perhaps you might be able to relate. It’s called the broken eagle. There once was an eagle who lived by a cliff with her mate.

They’re beautiful to watch as they soared higher and higher together in the air. Often they would fly so high it looked like they disappeared into the air. How she loved to soar with her mate. Life was good. Then one day there was a tragic mishap.

An unusual storm with powerful hurricane force winds caused her mate to lose control in flight and crash into the cliff, resulting in his instant death. As she struggled to navigate through the horrific wind, her wing clipped the rock edge and it was broken in this tragic accident. So, she went crashing to the ground and laid there for a number of hours before she was found by a lovely, caring couple who lived near the cliff. The couple cared for her and brought her food and kept her warm. They stayed close by her.

They became like family. The eagle was so broken and horribly lonely and sad without her eagle mate. She would often cry as she thought about her eaglemate and how she missed soaring together. The eagle realized that she was broken, but always looked forward to the day when she could fly again. It took a while, but eventually her wing healed and it was time for her to try to take flight again.

It was awkward at first. The couple didn’t know if she was ready to take flight, and neither did she. The couple could not help her fly. This was something she must do on her own. It was her nature to fly.

That’s what God made her to do. The only way to find out if she was healed up and ready to fly would be for her to try. This was that day. So, the couple took her to the edge of the cliff. They had found so much meaning in caring for the eagle and they knew once she took flight she would no longer need the care they had provided for her.

Finally the eagle made her first attempt. Couple of hops failed. Second attempt couple of hops failed. But on that third try her wings took flight off the cliff and she began to lift with the air under her wings. As her confidence became stronger and stronger, and each time she pushed the wind of fear under her wings, she soared higher and higher.

She kept her eyes on the couple as they stood and watched on this victorious day. And as the couple watched her, their hearts filled with excitement, knowing that they actually had a part in helping her soar again. The eagle would always hold the couple dear to her heart. She would never forget their help and kindness in the time of her brokenness. Her heart was filled with gratitude as she once again soared the sky.

Although the eagle and the couple both went through a season of change, they cherished their time together that had brought them so much joy. Both the eagle and the couple were changed forever. Why? Because they had the privilege of being valued and experiencing the privilege of valuing someone else. They learned the true meaning of friendship.

The end. Perhaps you can relate to this story in some way. The broken eagle or the caring couple. In the midst of my painful friendship changes, I had to shift my focus from how loyal my friends are to me to asking myself, what kind of friend am I? Can they trust me, count on me?

Is their life better off with me in it? And most importantly, do I make them feel valued? What kind of friend am I? So I ask you, what kind of friend are you? Are you willing to invest in the lives of others who call you friend?

John 15:13 says, “No one has greater love than to lay down his life for his friends.” True, just like the couple in the story, it takes time and effort to help that broken eagle, that broken person. But I challenge you to be the valuable friend who helps others soar and fulfill their God-given potential. By doing so, you’ll not only help transform the life of that special friend, you’ll transform your own life, you’ll experience something that not everyone is privileged to experience. The true meaning of friendship.

Thank you for listening, friend.