Ruthie Gray on 16 Years of Caregiving in the Sandwich Season | COMPASS in the Storm Ep 10

Full Transcript

Transcribed from the episode audio. Names, places, scripture references and medical terms have been corrected, and caption noise has been removed. Speaker names are not marked, because the source captions marked only that the speaker changed and not who was talking. Paragraph breaks follow those speaker changes.

Once I realized that life was never going to be the same again, then I knew I could either accept my circumstances as they were and lean into God and lean into his peace and strength that this is it. So, what are you going to do with this? Or I could keep resisting and not have peace.

Are you a caregiver suffering from exhaustion, frustration, and lack of sleep?

If your answer is yes, you’ll want to join me and my guest today as she shares important keys on navigating this challenging season

in life. Stay tuned.

Hi, I’m Lana Bach, your host on COMPASS in the Storm. We feature stories of people who overcame life- altering storms with God’s grace and now bringing hope and encouragement to others. If you’re looking for a powerful, uplifting story that will offer you hope and strengthen your faith, be sure to click the subscribe button so you don’t miss our monthly podcast. My guest today is a Gen X mom, a 16-year caregiver, and the author of her book titled Empty Nest Awakening. She also hosts a podcast called Sandwich Season Sanity. I love that name. And she says her God-given purpose is to impart peace, joy, and wisdom to moms who are trying to manage the demands of caring for multiple age groups in the sandwich season of life. Please welcome my guest today, Ruthie Gray, and thank you so much, Ruthie, for being with me today.

Thank you, Lana. You’ve been so gracious to ask me over and I am excited to talk about our topic today.

Well, I know Ruthie, when we first met, you shared your story of being a caregiver for both of your parents and various age children still at home all at the same time. And since I’ve been in the position of being a I call it a share giver, shared caregiving for my mom years ago, I could relate to some of the common challenges that are stressful for almost every caregiver. It’s exhausting, even though you love them and you’re committed to the task and you do it all over again, it’s still hard. And Ruthie, God has given you a special grace to share important keys not just for caregivers of parents, but also for those moms who are in the sandwich season of life. You were homeschooling, I believe homeschooling your young children and your husband’s health was not good and suddenly you were needed by your aging parents and although they were to me they’re young, 69 and 72 years old at the time, they needed you. And so Ruthie, please share a little bit about your journey of becoming a caregiver and of being a sandwich season mom, what kind of challenges it brought into your life. Maybe for those who aren’t aware of what sandwich sandwich season means, maybe a brief description as well.

Yes, I would love to. Sandwich season means you’re the meat in the middle of the generations. You’re the hub, you’re the person who keeps them all together. when I first started my sandwich season, I was 45 years old and I was still home all all four kids were still home. Two the older two were commuting to college, the younger two were in grades eight and 10, and I was homeschooling the younger two. And and then mom and dad almost simultaneously, within months of each other, mom had a stroke, debilitating stroke at first, and then dad had an emergency hospitalization and surgery and then a debilitating car accident just 3 months after that. And all of this happened within a span of 6 months. And so I was just clean up on aisle 10, you know.

So anyway, I was caring for mom and dad and overseeing them and going to every single appointment plus trying to care for my kids. So that was the beginning of my sandwich season. My sandwich season now looks like I’ve got adult kids who still need my support. They have kids. I help out with them. At one point I was babysitting two grandkids and caring for mom and dad at the same time. So dad has since passed in 2020. He passed after 10 years of caregiving. And mom is still doing really well. She does live independently in an attached apartment onto our home. And I have a veritable army of people helping me, especially because I travel.

That is great. Yes, that’s great. What did you find, Ruthie, was the most difficult thing to deal with when you first started caregiving for your parents?

the difficulty was that it didn’t make sense. They were so young and I already had all these commitments. And I knew that God had specifically directed me to pull my girls out of school and home school them. So, this happened in the second semester of that. I was already challenged about teaching high school.

I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t think that the Lord was, you know, leading me there. But just it was so frustrating because there would be one emergency after another. And I just had to show up for all these emergencies and Mom and Dad, it all happened so fast for them that they couldn’t compute that they had limitations now. And so, I was always finding them doing things that they shouldn’t be doing, you know, and I know it was hard for them. And it’s going to be hard for me someday like that, too. But just the frustration of trying to adjust to all of it and just it was so much.

Yeah. So, I laugh because when you said they were doing things that they weren’t supposed to be doing, I can’t tell you how many times we caught my mom driving. She wasn’t supposed to be driving. I mean, and it is. It’s like taking away their freedom and I understand that. And like you said, Ruthie, you know, one day, you know, I’ll probably be there as well. So, now after these 16 years of caregiving, is there anything that is still difficult to deal with as a caregiver?

The difficulty is that she does live independently. And so, when we’re in the state, I’m right on the other side of the wall, but there are times when she still won’t let me know that she has a problem.

Okay.

Or that she’s fallen or that she threw up all night, you know, and so having a touchpoint, a daily touchpoint is necessary. So I think it’s just still wanting that independence on her part and also not she doesn’t want to be a burden to us, but what she still I’ve not really been able to get her to understand that it helps me more if you tell me

Mhm.

that you passed out in Walmart.

You know, while you were with your friend.

Wow. Well, I think there’s a fear there, too. It would I would put myself in that position that if she does something that’s going to change if it’s something that’s too traumatic that maybe she might have to go live somewhere else, you know, that maybe that’s one reason, which I’m sure you’re aware. So but we know, you know, as Christ followers that the Lord is a main reason that we survived difficult seasons and that being said, I ask this next question because you’re still actually in that season of caregiving. But what is your compass, you know, being the name of the program is compass in the storm or what is that one thing in your sandwich season in your life now, what’s the one thing that helps you the most to survive this season?

Peace.

Huh.

Having peace with the unresolved situation.

That’s good.

When my parents started this, my main goal was to get them fixed and back to where they were so I could go back to where I was.

Mhm.

And that never happened and it came to a pinnacle where I just was in this frenzy. I mean, there were there was a 3-month period where I was either in an emergency room, hospital room, a doctor’s office, or a physical therapy unit with one or the other of them. And one day in the hospital, I just I was just so frustrated and I couldn’t get answers from the doctors. And I had let myself just get in this fevered pitch.

Mhm.

That’s when I heard from God, “Ruthie, this is the plan now.” And once I realized that life was never going to be the same again,

Mhm.

then I knew I could either accept my circumstances as they were and lean into God and lean into his peace and strength that this is it. So, what are you going to do with this? Or I could keep resisting and not have peace.

Yeah. Yeah.

And imagine if I hadn’t made that choice, we’re still going we’re going on we’re we’re 16 and a half years now.

Wow. And that is so such good advice because, you know, even in the caregiving, just the short time that I was share-giving with my mom, you know, you do want to get it back. You do want your life back and not in a bad way, but you want to go back to the way way was. And and so just saying that having peace in what God has put into our path is so valuable. That is so valuable. Now, looking back on these 16 or so years, is there any one thing that you would do differently now than when you first became a caregiver?

I have learned that it’s okay to do everything imperfectly.

there you go.

And I was such a control freak, and I was so intentional about raising my kids that I did the same thing about caring for my parents, you know?

Mhm.

And and I didn’t get any help for the first 9 years.

Wow.

No help.

Wow.

because I’m an only child, and I thought it was my duty to do everything myself.

Mhm.

And it took mom breaking her hip, and dad was experiencing a little bit of dementia back at home. and things were falling apart before I actually realized it’s okay to get help.

I don’t know how you did 9 years. I Wow, Ruthie. Wow.

handful.

You must have been so exhausted. I mean, I can’t imagine I just can’t imagine physically the exhaustion. Because again, like I said, we would do it all over again. I mean, we would I love my mom so dearly, and my dad, too. My dad needed a different kind of care, but you would do it all over again. But what you what you’re saying here can teach other people who are in that season right now, it’s okay. It’s okay. And I know being an only child has got to be tough. Because, you know, you don’t have that sibling to, you know, rely on and in the sandwich season of your life, these years and even now, what would you say is the most important thing that you’ve learned in this time of your life?

The most important thing that I learned was that never nothing’s ever going to be perfect all the time. Like

Yeah.

It’s not, but the flip side of that and this became my coin phrase is God never lets everything be terrible at once. And that means that there are still there’s still joy. There are grandbabies being born and there are surprises and joyful reunions with your children and there are so many I have a great husband. He is my support system and has been this whole time and he’s funny. He’s hilarious, you know, and it really helps to have a sense of humor.

Yes. Oh, yes. Yeah, my late husband was like that, too. And and that’s true. There’s always something good that is happening even amidst the hardship. You’re absolutely right, Ruthie. Absolutely. And I’m sure there’s someone that’s listening today that is now entering a sandwich maybe they’re already in a sandwich season or getting ready to enter a sandwich season. what advice would you like to give them today?

Well, first of all, make sure that you are meeting with the Lord however you can fit it in. whether one of my friends said when she was caregiving she would put in her earbuds at night and listen to praise music and fall asleep to that. if you take some time to jot a scripture and keep it in your car dash, you know, on your car dash, if you can keep your

Bible open on the counter to where you can just read it as you go or listen to the word, listen to scripture on one of your many appointments to the hospital. It’s so important to cultivate that and it’s also important to cultivate a just a running dialogue with God, prayer and praise. it, you know, if we stay in a state of always focusing on our problems instead of focusing on the one who can give us peace, then that’s how we’re going to that’s what we’re going to operate from.

Right. Right.

So, just really cultivate that relationship and it doesn’t have to look a certain way.

Yeah. Yeah. And that’s a big key what you just said it doesn’t have to look a certain way cuz I’ve had discussions before about like devotions and I’m I used to be a more of a devotional evening person until my husband passed away and then now I’m morning. And so it’s so true. Whatever works for you. And and that’s so key Ruthie cuz you’re you’re giving out so much. You’re draining out and again, not that you do it all over again cuz you we love our family, we love those that we’re caring for. This question just comes to my mind, what was your routine? Did you have any routine? Did Did you Did you find it was hard to have a routine to try and cultivate that? How did you manage getting yourself built up like that in the Lord when you needed to?

Mhm. I had picked up a one year through the through the year Bible.

Okay.

And I thought, you know what I could do this. I’ve been unsuccessful at reading the Bible through many times before and I thought, I’m going to get this and it takes you through, you know, Old Testament part of a Psalm a proverb and the New Testament.

Mhm.

So, that’s what you’re reading every day sections. And I got so into the rhythm of doing that. I’m a I’m a morning devotion person. And I got into the rhythm of reading that and I loved it so much that first year that I did it again a second year and then a third year and I think I’ve been doing it now for 13 or 14 years.

Awesome. Awesome. Wow, that’s good advice. Good advice. Boy, thank you, Ruthie. And you know, the keys you’re sharing today can save many caregivers heartache and frustration if they heed your advice and I’m thinking back to the days cuz my mom passed away in 2014 and I’m thinking back to the I think some of the frustration is also taking care of yourself. And I again, this just comes to my mind to ask you, did you If somebody were to say to you, “Man, I just don’t have time to take care of myself.” What kind of advice could you give to someone who’s like having a hard time just taking care of themselves? Like I remember, you know, forget my shower, forget washing my hair. I got to take care of mom or whatever. Is there some kind of suggestion that maybe something you’ve tried or that could help somebody listening today?

Yes. It You’re going to have those times where you just don’t have time for yourself. but if you stay in that same mentality that you know, when things shift a little bit and you’re able to get a breather, you just keep working, then you are missing out on a soul-filling experience, getting time to regenerate your own self and your personal interests. That’s important too cuz you need hope too because your outlook affects the people that you’re caring for. And So, I was I really tried even in the early years. My husband has always traveled with his job. And even in the early years, I would try to get at least a week to be every so often to get to go with him. And but I would have to cover it, you know? You have to get people. And And my biggest advice is look around. Look at your neighbors. Look at the people you go to church with. You got to go to church Get in a church because that’s going to be your support group.

Absolutely.

I mean, there Sometimes there are just people that you don’t wouldn’t have even just friends that would love to sit with your loved one.

Mhm.

And you have to You can also explore state-funded help.

Yeah.

May Your loved one may qualify for that. Mine did for a while.

Mhm. And it’s just it is not you’re not slacking on your job because you’re getting help.

Right.

You are taking care of yourself so that you can be the best version of yourself for your people.

I do agree. You have to have a break in order to be the best you. And Ruthie, everything you’re talking about is so helpful and I know you have the book that you wrote for not just empty nesters, but also you’ve got another one coming out which we’ll talk about in a second, but I want to talk about your book Empty Nest Awakening Weaving the Threads of Your Passions into Purpose because you also experienced being an empty nester along with being a caregiver. And I know it’s available on Amazon, correct? And your website. could you share a little bit more about your book?

Sure. it is my story, but it’s your story. It starts out where I was lost and grieving and I didn’t expect that cuz I was excited for my kids, but I had reached my life goal and that was to raise them to adulthood, responsible adulthood. so I felt very lost and just like I had no more purpose. And I just had to keep meeting with the Lord. I did a lot of knee prayer and it is the story of how I climbed out and found what I was supposed to do next. And it will help anyone, actually, even if you’re not an empty nester. If you’re looking for your next step because I take you through a series of questions about yourself.

Mhm.

Like what are what kind of environment were you did you grow up in? What are your inherent traits? What are your learned skills? it’s a whole it’s a whole thing and it’s interactive, too. So, it has helped many empty nest moms figure out what they’re supposed to do next and it’s also helped the ones who are like thinking, “Well, am I supposed to be doing something else?”

Mhm.

Find it’s helped them find out they’re doing exactly what they wanted to do or what they’re supposed to do.

That’s great. Yeah, great book and just a note, too, that Ruthie will soon be publishing a 90-day devotional for the stressed-out sandwich season mom. and I believe it’s going to be next year that it’ll be released, Ruthie. Right. And so, I’m looking forward to it and so, if our listeners will subscribe to your podcast, which we’ll be talking about, they can be the first to know when it’s available. Ruthie’s podcast is called Sandwich Season Sanity. I just love that I love that title. And it’s on your favorite podcast platform, Spotify, Amazon, Apple. do you want to share a little bit about your podcast, Ruthie? Well, one thing that you asked me earlier about self-care, we have a couple of episodes about caregiver trauma. And that does need addressed. And then we have some episodes about relationships with adult kids because we live in a culture where there is some cancel culture going on. And how to talk to your adult kids. We recently had Jill Savage on the podcast of Empty Nest, Full Life. And she is an empty nest coach and she gave some stellar advice for relationships with adult kids. But we have a lot It’s all about multi-generational caregiving. So we have a lot of dynamics there and we’re always talking about the caregiving aspect.

That’s great. That is great. And And for event planners and for those who may be interested in booking you for a speaking event, they can also go to RuthieGray.com, which I know you’re available and And Ruthie, you’ve got so much to share. It take us hours and hours to draw everything out of you that you’ve learned. So I do ask that, you know, our listeners will tune in your podcast and purchase your book and learn so that if they’re going through this time in their life that they will get much much advice that will save them so much frustration. Excellent words of advice and practical advice. So thank you so much, Ruthie. It has been a privilege to have you on COMPASS in the Storm. God bless you. I hope our paths will cross again soon and I will be looking for your devotional next year. So thank you so much. God bless you.

Thank you, Lana. This has been fun.

Thank you for joining me today on COMPASS in the Storm. I hope you received hope and encouragement for your journey. I just want to tell each person listening who is a caregiver of any kind, I believe the Lord has a special reward in for every caregiver. And let me tell you why. The scripture is clear about being selfless when it comes to showing the love of God to others. Some describe caregivers as the arms of Jesus on earth because their selfless actions embody the loving nature of the Lord. John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” And that includes aging parents, my friend. Caregivers lay down their lives for others on a daily basis. So, caregiver, you have a special place in the heart of the Lord. I want you to know that there is not one moment of your service that has slipped God’s eyes. I pray you remember he knows the tireless effort that you chose to take on. You didn’t run away. God bless you, my friend. One day, you’ll look Jesus in the eyes and hear him say the words, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.” Thank you for listening, my friend. And remember, stay the course.