Susan VandePol on Losing Her Husband to ALS | COMPASS in the Storm Ep 1

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Transcribed from the episode audio. Names, places, scripture references and medical terms have been corrected, and caption noise has been removed. Speaker names are not marked, because the source captions marked only that the speaker changed and not who was talking. Paragraph breaks follow those speaker changes.

Have you ever experienced a tearing of your heart so hurtful it felt like you couldn’t even breathe? My guest today endured the heartwrenching loss of her husband to the dreaded Lou Gehrig’s disease, but she’s here to tell you a story of hope and encouragement. Stay tuned. Hi, I’m Lana Bach, your host on COMPASS in the Storm, where we feature real life stories of people who have survived the toughest season of their lives, God’s way. I want to welcome my special guest today and my very first guest on this podcast, Susan VandePol. Thank you for being here.

Thank you, my friend. What an honor and per personal too, like we chatted about before we got into this that it’s personal and it means a lot to me. Thank you.

Probably more to me than to you because I’ll tell why later. But Susan has so many outstanding achievements. It would take a good portion of this podcast to list them all. Seriously. So I want to just tell our listeners in a very condensed cliffnotee version that Susan is an author speaker and has founded several initiatives which include the annual widows retreat called the Life After Breath experience which we’re going to talk more about that one. And she also is the founder of the families of the fallen support protocol for fire departments which is now being used in fire departments across the country. And Susan, your late husband Bob was a fireman for the city of Los Angeles. And I first want to acknowledge Bob for his bravery, his dedication for serving. And thank you, Susan, as you stood in beside him during that sacrificial time in your lives. And you both served God. You were deeply in love, had three beautiful children, and then came the unexpected diagnosis that changed your life forever. And you described in your book that the last few months of Bob’s illness was as if life held its breath. And I know Susan, today there are listeners who are going through similar storms like yours. And as you say in your book, their pain is deep and they are finding it hard to take their next breath, but they need to breathe.

And in your like your book, I love how you put it. They need to breathe. They need to breathe your air, your story so they can breathe. So like your story of hope, Susan, is their air that will give them a breath. So can you please share your story and how you got through such a heart-wrenching experience?

Yeah. You know, that’s just a boatload and I’m so grateful to be able to tell the story. It was so interesting when I saw what your questions were going to be because that idea of breathing, people need our breath so that they can breathe too. There’s a lot to that. First, primarily when we think of breath, when I think of breath, I think of our Holy Spirit. He is our breath, the ruach of God. And so, he’s the one that keeps us breathing. And the other part was I found out testimony when we remember what God has done and this is something that always stands out to me because people want people don’t know what to do and so it’s awkward for them to talk to us about our grief. And in reality, when we give our testimony, when we’re breathing out our story, I found out I had the wonderful privilege of speaking to a theologian years ago when I was writing the book. And he was telling me, you know, all the backstory behind the word testimony in God’s word. And the whole idea is that the power that created that testimony initially when we speak it out that power comes up again and restores the people hearing and empowers them to have their testimonies. So

that you know even saying it gives me chills. You know, the power of that power of a testimony, the power of remembering intentionally because again, people don’t know what to do, but we want to remember and you know this remembering is sacred. It

the Old Testament’s full of remember what God has done. Build this altar here. Remember intentionally face into it. And then Jesus said, “Remember me. Remember me.” He didn’t say, “Well, just ditch the fact that I died and rose again and you go on and then we’ll see you again, you know, when we’re together.” It was it’s intentional and it’s important. And when we remember while we breathe, we’re remembering intentionally and it in a way it disarms death and sin,

remember according to the will of God. And so that initial part of the story, I was glad that you had asked that question. and yes, so my husband was a LA city firefighter and he was, you know, there’s a part in one of the firefighter prayers that says, “Don’t make me greater in death than I was in life.” Because I think it’s funny how I talk to lots of widows and they’ll say, you know, I don’t really remember that he snored or smelled weird or you know, had those irritating things, you know, that made me crazy. It’s funny, we forget about those things.

But in reality, my husband was kind of the definition of meek, that strength under control guy, how he loved Jesus. And and yeah, he they were called on a on a run and there were two men unconscious in an underground tank. And I’ll say too, God, how God uses this that this scenario has been used in training hazmat teams since then, what not to do, what to do. And the hazmat team hadn’t gotten there and the chief on the scene just asked if he would go down. He did, never regretted it. pulled them out and about a week later he started having some symptoms thought it was the flu. a year later different neurologists he was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. So that you know all of it that rages inside of us all the why the why question I think

comes up a lot. and I think I asked that I even asked the Lord, “How could you?”

I even said that to him and he was of course steady, didn’t reject me. That was, you know, the job kind of prayers like, “What are you thinking? How could you do this?” You know, those are prayers. We’re saying that to him. That’s how we pray.

Yes.

So about four years later, he, you know, he got worse and worse. And u the kids and I, we homeschooled the kids and the two oldests had come home. They were in college. They came home still homeschooling my youngest. And boy, it was just a morning that I knew. I’ll say I just God let me know. And I called the kids in and they each put a hand on him. And my youngest and even now, you know, it’s again so good to be on with you because it’s over 20 years later and I’m remarried to a wonderful man. Yes. and we still grieve him

hard. And when I talk about it, I grieve and it’s an honor to grieve him.

without, you know, there’s that fine line between honoring someone and idolizing them.

Yeah.

I think widows, that’s a tough one. You know, if they’re married to a good man, that’s a tough one. So, we said goodbye. I had them each put their hand on him and he struggled and my youngest son he was just 13 said it’s okay dad you fought long enough

and he took his last breath and I think that breath was quite an effort

and then

that was it and there was that like you said the finding it difficult to

now what do we do we now we have to breathe again

and in a big way that’s how the title of the book and this ministry all came about experiencing that and then finding out that was quite common across the board.

whether a widow got to be with her husband as a caregiver or if it was a traumatic event, she wasn’t with him. or and you’ll understand this too and the listeners, there are widows who are remarried and are still grieving

their first husband and rightly so. And I hope I want to talk about that later,

the idea of covenant, why that has so much to do with that grief.

we have women come to the retreat who were in abusive marriages and no one ever knew. They kept it quiet. they were in those silent narcissistic

abusive marriages. And so there’s a relief and there’s this grief that they don’t even understand why they have it because he was abusive. And then there’s even other widows that have kind of snuck in. I found out afterwards that they were divorced and then their ex-husbands died.

Okay.

And they were grieving and they didn’t know why. So they wouldn’t have anyone to say that to really a pastor wouldn’t understand. Their friends, even their children, that’s a tough one. And they find

Yes.

a safe place to grieve and try to understand what God wants them to do

with their future.

What did you use? What was your compass during that storm? What kept you to get through that? How you navigated that?

Yeah. Yeah. Great, great question. I’ll say the first thing that I that I remember that changed my life, not only that initial time of grief, but my entire life, we were we had been to several different doctors and of course nobody wants to diagnose that because there’s no treatment and no cure.

And which I have to say too, it hasn’t changed my heart. It doesn’t what my experience doesn’t change what God’s word says that he’s our healer

and it’s his will to heal. And I it doesn’t line up here on this earth with what I see. But we still prayed. We still believed. You know, it didn’t matter who said no treatment or no cure. We prayed and believed with that. So, we were driving home from the neurologist. the kids were at home and it’s just Bob and I and I remember thinking having this it was almost kind of a glowing you know neon visual in my head was the word unknown. It was each day was unknown. Our all of a sudden our past or even our past took a different turn. It looked different now looking back our future was unknown. How long this was going to take? How horrible was it going to be? all all the things swirling about was this duty-related, would they? It had never been ruled a jud before. What would happen to us financially? What would happen to the kids? Would I have to go to work? All all of it swirling all at once. And it was all entirely unknown to me.

And so that night, as God would have it, we my husband led a men’s Bible study. And he you know, we were still in that kind of shock. He he went ahead and went up the street to the other house where they met for the Bible study and I was at home and the kids were home then and a couple cars pulled into our driveway and they looked out and it was some friends from our church and I had told called a few people

well the body of Christ I don’t know how many cars pulled in that night. I don’t know how many people came crammed in our little home

and we I called my husband up at the Bible study and he came and all the guys came and there was a lot of crying

and

we worshiped and prayed and my youngest son or my middle son Samuel is a worship leader but since he was a little buddy he you met him at the retreat leads the worship team And

yes,

he and another friend led us in worship. Very heavy, very long time. And when we were done, it was there was just a silence over the room. Nobody moved. Nobody said anything. And one of the gentlemen, he was the elder at our church. He said quietly, “Susan, I feel like we need to go to prayer again because I feel like God has something he wants to say.” Mhm.

So, of course, we prayed again and it was quiet. Nobody prayed anything. And then the same gentleman said, “Susan, the Lord wants to say something to you.

He wants you to know that he is there in your unknown.”

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

And

wow.

And I hadn’t told anyone. I hadn’t told anyone.

And God knew. And from that day forward, anything in my life, if it’s unknown, it literally is. That means he’s there. He’s there. I can see the doorway, the empty drop off. It’s not. He’s there.

So that was something I grabbed on to from the beginning. And it I can say supernaturally lifted any potential anxiety or worry, distress for me personally. and it helped me do what God

continued.

Yeah.

I’d say to call me to do.

yeah,

I’d say another thing is that I learned down the road a bit after he died, I’ll say. you know how we apply God’s word to everything in our lives

and

and the Lord just so lovingly said, “Apply my word to your grief. Everything in your life you offer to me as an act of worship. In faith you express your heart to me, grieve as an act of worship. And take scriptures that you apply to your life. The other areas like you know one of my favorites is John 15 where Jesus is talking about abiding and pruning. Mhm.

And there’s boy, I tell you, God God doesn’t take our grief like here. It doesn’t mean anything. I’ll just take that. If we surrender it to him, for him to prune for his glory, it will bear eternal fruit. Now, it how great is that to be able to say, “Death, where’s your sting now? Because look at what my God has done.”

So, it doesn’t fix it. It doesn’t change it. but it while we’re going through that darkness and you know, one of my favorite scriptures, Isaiah 45:3, I will give you the treasures of darkness and the hidden wealth of secret places so that you may know it is I, the Lord God of Israel, who calls you by name.

So, there’s treasure there.

Yes. Yes. that really enables us to look death in the face in some supernatural way. I don’t have words for it, but that is one of the primary ways I’ll say that I’ve learned to boy and it’s a hacking and a hashing through that grief sometimes, but if we remember those principles, apply God’s word to our grief, ask him intentionally to prune it.

Yes. And then I think maybe another one would be again the intentional remembering. we the kids and I sat how we’re going to remember. We remember him every year. We remember his of course there’s the milestones,

but again when we when we face into it when everybody else kind of wants to look away.

I’ve even had maybe you’ve had this happen. I’ve had people see me and turn the other way and walk away because they can’t. They just can’t. Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, we want them to give us grace, but God God is the one who says you give them grace because they don’t know because you and I didn’t know.

Yeah.

Before we experienced

Absolutely true that

tearing. Absolutely. And you know, I’m so glad you shared that story about the unknown because I that’s one of my favorite parts of your book because I believe like you, Susan, that the Lord knew we needed something to hang on to. And that’s like the title of my book is a weird title of my book. You’re going to trust me, right? But that’s what gave me that’s what got me through. You know, only you and the Lord kind of it’s like a bonding thing. And how beautiful of a God moment and that he does it. He loves the widow. He loves the widow. And you know, one thing I want to just add is when you’re talking about pruning and how the Lord just g give our grief to the Lord. When it talks about in Isaiah, I believe it’s 61 when it says that God, he came to set the captive free and bind the brokenhearted

to comfort those who mourn and provide for those who grieve, you know, beauty for ashes and you know, the garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness. But after that it says, “So they might be called oaks of righteousness planted by the hand of the Lord for his glory.” So, but the mourning and the grieving had to come first, which I mean, we don’t like that part, but you’re absolutely so true, Susan. So, so true. You had one last thing to say to new widows who are watching or listening to this podcast,

what would you say to them?

Yeah. Yeah. you know, 12 million things, but the first, you know, because I love, like I know you do, sitting and just listening and hearing and letting God speak. But, the one thing is, okay, two covenant covenant widows asked and I asked, I don’t have a word for this pain. And I had time, my kids had time to say goodbye. And I don’t have I don’t there’s no I can’t make anyone understand. I can’t explain to my pastor what this is. And I don’t know. I’m not functioning. And I don’t what is this? And God so beautifully said to me, gentle one word, covenant.

And then he showed me as I said, okay, I’ll let me tear that apart and look it up in every language I can find. So covenant, when God makes a covenant, as we know, it’s a blood covenant, but it’s not to be violated. This is sacred. And so when God made a covenant with man and then Satan and sin came and violated it, that was as extreme as it gets. So God, he went to the most violent extreme to restore us. He sent his son. Yes.

To restore that covenant. So now, so that alone is one thing. But then if the marriage covenant is to be to the world the example, the reflection of Christ and his bride, no wonder Satan, I mean, and you know the statistics, how many more widows, unbelievable amount more of widows, more widows than there are widowers.

Yes.

Of course, Satan would attack that bride. And so he has targeted our covering, our men. Yes.

And so here we are and he’s asking the body of Christ to step in

and so many scriptures, you know them and the listeners probably do too. But so I think that one word covenant, boy, you know, talk about breathing and relaxing. I can share that with a widow and she can I can even see them

sitting back going okay

if I say that to a leader to a pastor they can grasp that the theology of covenant it speaks on its own.

Yeah.

The second quick thing would be the questions we ask the why the how could you

what am I going to do? How am I going to raise the kids? Where are is my provision going to come from? All of the questions,

all of the empty static silence that screams. and the Lord, you know, why when I asked why? Why? And he so gently, not dismissing my grief, but he said, I if I told you, would it make a difference? And I thought, huh? Well, no. First, I’m sure I wouldn’t understand. Second, he still wouldn’t be here.

Yeah, right.

So, I knew I knew I couldn’t understand, you know, God. Oh, how he’s beyond finding out. And yet we get to know him. But then he said, “I will give you much more than the question you ask.

I will answer you. I will give you more than you could ever ask or imagine. My answer to your question, your question is small. It’s meaningful and profound and weighty and valuable. But compared to what I want to give you, the answers I want to give you, it will it will be more than enough. And he has

and he will.

Absolutely beautiful. Beautiful good advice. God can give us so much more. And I appreciate all your advice. It’s so wealthy. so let me just do this before we wind up. I do want to say you have this widows retreat that I want to personally give a plug for a life after breath widows retreat every year October right October.

let me just say to anyone listening that this retreat was a life changer for me. It just changed my the trajectory of my first year of grieving because as anyone out there knows if you’re a newly widow, you just feel like you’re never going to smile again. And one thing that Susan and her team did at this retreat, and I remember distinctly because I remember thinking she said to all the ladies on the very last night of the retreat, she said, “Well, we just wanted to do something that will help you forget about your widowhood for just a little while.” And I was like going, “That’s not going to happen, right?”

Okay. I’m sure everybody in the room was saying that. And then unbeknownst to me, of course, the surprise was that they had brought a team in to teach us how to square dance. Now, Susan, I have never square dance in my life, nor did I ever want to,

but I’m just telling you what, that night changed my whole it gave me so much hope because while I didn’t I was just getting to know a lot of the ladies, there was over a hundred and some ladies there and we’re, you know, getting to know each other. So, we’re learning how to square dance. And I actually found myself laughing. Not just a smile, but I mean laughing. And it what it said to me was, “Lana, you will laugh again. It is possible.” And I loved it. And I want to thank you again, Susan, for doing that because I went again the second year and of course life got busy, but I also took some of my friends and they absolutely had life-changing moments as well in the retreat, but I know you have one coming up.

do you want to share what the dates are? Is it too late for them to anybody to sign up?

No, we still have registration. A few more weeks of registration is open and there’s still a little bit of room. the dates are October 17th through the 19th and it’s held here in West Michigan at Maranatha Conference Grounds. And I’ll say, you know, widows come they’re every age from their 20s to their 90s in every stage of grief from weeks out literally to decades out. And you know, you and I talked about this too. You might have a an idea of what a widow’s retreat would be like. Like no thanks. But it’s not. We won’t sit around the whole time crying. I promise we’ll face into it. But then we’ll worship, but God God will do so much more.

Yes. Go, go. And And we’ll put the link in the podcast so that they’ll have it. And also just a little bit more about your book. where can is it’s on Amazon, right? And I know I’ll have a picture inside the podcast, but just so everybody knows, is there any place else besides Amazon? Is it

everywhere? Everywhere. Book stores, you know, brick and mortar I think they call them and just about anywhere,

right? if they want more information like even on the retreat or your book, can they go to your website mattersoflifeandbreath.com? That’s good.

Can we’ll put that in there, too. and you’ve just been so Susan, you your life has just been blessed by God. You’re remarried. You and your husband are doing wonderful things for the Lord. And I just can’t tell you how refreshing your words of encouragement are. And you have given us hope. You’ve given us hope. And I want to thank you again for being my guest. And and I’m thankful that God has turned your pain into so much purpose. Thank you, Susan. And thank you for all that you’re doing for others. Thank you all to Jesus. Thank you. Thank you.

God bless.

You too. I hope you enjoyed my guest today, Susan VandePol, who gave us hope and healing through her testimony. Maybe you’re listening to this podcast today and you’re experiencing the heartfelt pain of loss. You barely can take your next breath. Like Susan, you’re standing in a place of unknown. Your grief journey can only be traveled by you. No one can cry your tears for you. But God is with you. He sees you. He knows you. He loves you. Let me leave you with this scripture to remind you that God loves you. And he will help you get through this storm. Psalm 27:13-14 says,”I remain confident of this. I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Lord, I ask that you help each woman walking a journey of grief today. May she feel your arms of strength and love around her. And in the midnight hour when loneliness grips her, remind her, Holy Spirit, of God’s promise to give beauty for ashes and that you are walking this road with her. I pray this in Jesus’ name. Thank you for joining me today. And you won’t want to miss the next COMPASS in the Storm with my guest Robyn Dykstra, author, speaker, and Bible teacher who went from Playboy Bunny to preaching lifechanging messages of Christ to thousands. You won’t want to miss it. See you then, and remember to stay the course. God bless you.